My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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