The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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