Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
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