just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
