the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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