please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
So here I am, sexting at work.
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