Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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