My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
