Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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