you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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