Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
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