omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
