I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you traded sex for a burrito?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
