I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
