Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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