I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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