she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
This baby is an asshole
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
