Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
