I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
