I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize