I can't watch pbs sober anymore
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
