Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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