Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
