I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
