guys are only as good as the porn they watch
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
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