i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
