She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize