This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
