Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
