where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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