Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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