Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
