i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
