sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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