Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize