tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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