Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Randomize
