It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
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