I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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