I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
