there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
