Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
