Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
