im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
