Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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