her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
