I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
