final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Randomize
