Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
