worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
