Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
