Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
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