it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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