Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
