Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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