i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
