Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I skipped work to stalk him.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
