I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
